Another Day another...

Screaming customer. Is that how it goes? If there is one thing I have learned during my short tenure thus far as a Customer Service Representative (CSR), it is Do NOT yell at the CSR. No matter what it seems like to you, we are there to help you. Yelling at us only pisses us off and makes it less likely that we will do anything to help you out beyond our normal required function. We are, all in all, a fairly Passive aggressive bunch. The more you irritate us, the slower we are going to comply. Following is a little tip sheet for those of you who find yourself with a need to call a CSR:

1. Just answer the verification questions. We don't do this for our amusement. We aren't trying to make your life difficult. We wouldn't have to do it if there weren't people out there calling in trying to pretend to be other people to commit fraud but there are, so now we do have to give you a pop quiz every time you call. Sorry, but just please answer those questions before even telling us why you are calling.

2. We already know the automated system is irritating. You do not need to spend 2 minutes reminding me how irritating it is. We also know it sends you to a representative after 3 errors, so don't even think about telling me you entered your account number 7 times. You are lying. What else are you going to lie to me about?

3. We don't want your opinion about pressing 1 for English and 2 for Spanish. If you don't think you should have to press 1 for English, what number do you feel is more appropriate? How about 38 for F-U?

4. Do NOT call in and DEMAND that I do something for you. If you are nice to me, I would be more than happy to see what I can do about expediting that fax, waiving that late fee, getting something shipped to you overnight. If you tell me I HAVE to do something? Um, no, I don't. No where does it say I HAVE to waive that late charge. You were late. Our turn around time is 24-48 hours. Then you can call back and complain about me being slow.

5. Your payments are due ON the DUE DATE!!! Not the day before we add a late fee. Not the day before we report them as delinquent to the credit bureaus. They are due ON THE DATE DUE ON YOUR STATEMENT. Back to the waiving late charges. Don't tell me you were only 1 day late. If you have a late charge, you were at least, AT LEAST 11, yes ELEVEN days late. And don't lie to me about not knowing. I can tell when you called in, we note the accounts every time you call in. The system also notes every time you log into your account on the website. We KNOW. We're like Big Brother

6. We don't care about your sick daughter, bladder infection, bunion, college tuition, ugly divorce, no we cannot remove you from the contract, I don't care if you aren't dating anymore, that's why you shouldn't co-sign for your brand new girlfriend. I am not going to get in the middle of it. We just need your payment.

7. I'm not your new best friend. Don't chat. You don't really care about the weather here, so don't ask.

8. I am not your: Honey, Sweetie, Darling, Sugar, Baby, Peaches, sweetheart, Babe, Hon, or any mutation, combination, or synonym of the above. No it is also not Raja. I am sure there are awesome and equally frusterated CSRs in India thinking the exact same thing, but my name IS Madeline. I told you that when I answered the call. You do not know me, you are not allowed to use a nickname. You may call me by my name, which I gave you and I will give you again, or ma'am. Or hell, I answer to Maddie, Madeline, Melanie, Natalie, Maggie, Margaret, or any variation of whatever you call me as long as its a real name.

9. When I ask you if you there is anything else I can do for you, do not ask me to payoff your loan. Cause it might have been cute the first time I heard it, but its been over a year. At least 3-5 times a week and it has gotten REALLY OLD. You're not the first and won't be the last. Its not funny. I also don't know the meaning of life, the winning lotto numbers, where you left your keys, how many licks to get to the center of a tootsie pop, I am not Ms. Cleo.

10. Unless I gave you my extension or last name...you don't need it. I PROMISE I will have left adequate and sufficient notes on the account that anybody who answers the phone can help. Even the stupid ones. You problem is not so special/difficult/unique that we haven't done it 1000 times before. Trust me. You don't need to ask for me the next time you call. I don't need a new best friend. I like the one I have. We will make fun of you.

and FINALLY.

When I say "Thanks for calling and have a great day!" Just say thanks, you too, and hang up. After that, you had your chance to ask more questions. I'm done with you and moved on. I already asked you if there was anything else and you were too busy coming up with a lame one liner to actually ask me the one question you did have and so, because I am not psychic, I didn't know you also wanted to know about Home Equity Lines of Credit I didn't bring it up because we were changing your billing address. Please don't say as I have closed your account by this point. "Oh yeah, I did need to know..." or "Thanks for nothing" or "Uh huh." Its just rude.

Please. Just answer our questions, be polite, Say things like "Please." "I'm so sorry its late" "Thank you SO much" and "I really appreciate your help today." We really like that. Then we really like you. We will then say, "Its not a big deal, and I will go ahead and waive that late charge for you." "Let me see what I can do to help you out." "Why do you need it so soon?" "Oh wow, well, our standards say we won't be able to have it shipped for 30 days, but its a special circumstance. I might possibly be able to make an exception." Be GOOD TO US. We will be good to you.

Thank you for your time and future consideration of mine.

Have a great day.